The before and after parts of a long-expedition ... the hardest parts ... the parts you don't us

Sea kayaking around the South Island New Zealand....

I still remember every day, every moment, every campsite vividly ...

The expedition itself took us 80 paddling days in total.

However, mentally the expedition took 2 years .....

2 years ago, we started planning this expedition, now 2 years later I can finally reflect on the entire process of this long expedition.

There seems to be three phases to long expeditions: the pre-expedition, the actual expedition and the post-expedition.

Most of the time people have heard me talking about the exciting epics and adventures we encountered ON the expedition, however, I haven't opened up much about the two most difficult parts of the expedition: getting to the start point, and life after the expedition.

Together, me and James managed to turn one of our standard day-dreams into reality, and achieve a goal we almost thought was impossible.

We are not super humans, we have no superpowers we were just two average kayakers really with some slightly above average motivation.... seriously anyone if you wanted to could kayak around New Zealand!

So this is me describing the starting process... how two average kayakers with no money managed to kayak around the south island:

Somehow the idea of circumnavigating New Zealand popped into our heads whilst we were at university. Sitting still in university writing essays isn't really what me and James were designed for , it drove us a little bit crazy. We decided we needed to escape and do something far more epic and adventurous .... kayaking around New Zealand seemed like just the solution!!! We hadn't really researched into what it involved, but anyway the idea really appalled to us. I remember us zooming in on the country on google maps, seeing the coastline from above, imagining what it would be like to camp on those little remote beaches and kayak round those headlands, enter the fiords in ffiordland. I vividly recall chatting about it excitedly in our local pub, clinking glasses and saying 'ok, lets do it!'. So that was it, that was the start....

We quickly became completely absorbed in the idea of it. But working as outdoor instructors on low pay in the Lake District we never seemed to be able to save any money ... we started to have doubts how we would every come close to affording the costs of the trip ... we couldn't even afford to fix the car let alone buy a flight to New Zealand! Over the months I guess the excuse was 'life got in the way', and the dream started to spiral away, 'hey we're probably not even good enough to kayak round the south island anyway.....'.

However, one evening maybe a year later we sat on our sofa we sparked up the New Zealand chat again. It was our dream, we really wanted to do it, but how could we!? We looked around our living room, and realized we were poor because all our earnt money was spent paying rent, bills or spent on new shiny outdoor kit. We quickly calculated we could probably save the cost of two return New Zealand flights if we moved out of our rented house. We then worked out if we sold most of our outdoor gear, we could probably make enough money to get some kayaks out in New Zealand. It then dawned on us we could probably live a lot cheaper than we were living, if we gave up beer and only ate ‘tesco value’ food maybe we would save enough money to feed ourselves on our trip! More and more ways of saving up some cash to do this were quickly becoming obvious! The thought of sponsorship crossed our minds. I kind of laughed at the thought of this, believing only 'big deals' could get sponsored, but anyway we knocked up some letters explaining what we were going to do and sent them off to a load of companies, not feeling hopeful, but it couldn’t hurt!

We dusted the cobwebs off our New Zealand road map and blu-tacked it onto our bedroom wall. The excited planning immediately started in full swing again with notes been added to our map every daily. One morning I woke up and found James packing his xbox and all it’s games into a cardboard box, he was explaning to me how he had just put it on ebay. James quite likes playing on his xbox ..... and I now knew he was deadly serious, this was commitment!! New Zealand was happening, for sure!

Money was successfully been saved, most of our possessions worth any money were on ebay, and we had even moved into a wooden shed house behind our work base, now saving the money on rent. Completely surprisingly I had relieved a message from the legend, Nigel Dennis, himself offering to help us with sponsorship for the expedition in the form of boats and paddles! Everything was looking hopeful.

Research had also started .... we realizer it was actually quite a daunting adventure! There were lots of extreme challenges we would have to face! It was far far far more challanging than ANYTHING we had done in a sea kayak before! It had only been completed a handful of times by mostly very experienced sea kayakers with big expeditions under their belts, and almost all of them had encountered some form of epic at some point ... Maybe most people with a sense of self-preservation and survival would have abandoned plan at this point, but for me and James the sheer level of challenge drew us in further... naiive and a little mad? hmm possibly!

Many people kept telling us we were mad and were going to die .... but we ignored them, believed we knew best it would be ok, and booked our plane tickets anyway ...

Unlike most sea kayakers, we then tried to find the worst weather forecast around the UK to sea kayak in for training. We tested our limits and pushed our skills in strong winds, rough seas and big surf. We learnt what we were physically capable of paddling in, and learnt to hold our breaths and keep our shoulders attached whilst been beaten inside big waves - a crucial skill for new zealand's west coast!

We were pushing our bodies to paddle further and further each day, and we were getting results, getting better.

We learnt a lot and were feeling confident.

Our crazy dream was becoming more and more achievable ...

Before we knew it, it was the 5th December, and me and James found ourselves at the Sumner Lifeboat station preparing to launch into the sea ...

Our emotions were raging, we were pumped with adrenaline stumbling around like a couple of un-co-ordinated baby dears. We were faffing around on the concrete slipway with all our disorganized kit in a heap, trying to get it to fit into our hatches. At this point we certainly didn’t feel like the ‘pros’ we probably should have been to be embarking on this trip! It wasn’t all fitting in, there was no order to the packing, no thought about where the heavy things should go, we weren’t totally sure where all our kit should be attached.

We eventually got it packed and clumsily stumbled into our boats that had decided to turn themselves sideways in the wind and bump side on to the concrete slipway! We definitely didn't look like pro's! We bumped off the slipway and turned our selves seaward. We took our first slightly sluggish and awkward paddle strokes into the ‘New Zealand’ sea, and continued forward. We paddled around the headland and out of view of civilization ...

We were now alone and out on the open sea: the lively 2 meter swell and fresh force 4 wind providing a reality check. This was it. We had started. That big map of New Zealand that had been blue-tacked on our bedroom wall for the past 6 months was becoming real. We were now on the map, we were two tiny dots on the big scary Tasman sea with a rather large mass of land, New Zealand’s South Island on our right. At this point neither of us honestly had any idea if we would really ever make it back to that slipway ...

The reality all of a sudden hit me. My hands were shaking, my heart was beating, I felt sick, I felt wobbly, I felt clumsy, I felt completely incompetent. ‘What the hell am I doing!? Will I ever make it back alive!?’ .

Self-doubt was creeping in...

I took a deep breath, put in a few strong paddle strokes. I surged over a wave, and landed with a splash of sea water in my face making me feel alive. I then decided that actually I was feeling brave, really brave. I was in control. ‘I can do anything!’ I was strong, determined, and fearless. I smiled to myself. I knew I had been training hard and yes I probably, maybe, hopefully did have the skills. I was certainly going to give everything I possibly had to complete this adventure.

‘James, we’re doing it, we are paddling around the fucking South Island!’ I exclaimed! James was grinning: ‘Yes we fucking are!’ he replied. We both let out a loud ‘woooo!’ grinning at each other. This was an incredible moment I will never forget ... I can still feel the surging emotions of excitement, fear and anticipation swirling through my body as I think back to it. Together, we were paddling side by side into the complete unknown, a crazy dream that was becoming reality. This was to be our life for the next three months. I looked at James, as usual he looked awesome in his kayak. I realized I was so lucky, there was nobody else who could have shared my passion for this completely bonkers plan and actually made it happen with me! And there was nobody else I would rather have paddling by my side right now. Despite the dangers we were inevitabley going to encounter, I knew he would do everything he could to look out for me, and I knew I would do the same for him. I felt happy, I knew we couldn't possible be a better team ......

Together we paddled off into the sea ....

An adventure of our lifetime had started....

We had no idea if we would make it back alive ...

But we were going to give it our bloody best shot ....

We had made so many life changes and sacrifices to get here to the start point. We had pushed ourselves through the uncertainty of weather we could do this and had ignored and rise above everybodies jokes about us dying. To actually make the commitment to get to New Zealand and then get in the sea kayak and start paddling were probably the hardest parts of the expedition.

There we go, thats how we started, we weren't expert paddlers or superhumans. We just believed in ourselves, worked hard, and pushed through all the barriers to make it to the start point of our dream adventure. Scared, yes. Terrified, yes. Unsure if we would survive, Yes .... Going on an adventure? YES!

80 DAYS LATER ....

I will never forget the moment me and James pulled in side by side, taking the last strokes of our adventure, to concrete ramp by the Sunmner Lifeboat station. 80 days living, breathing and paddling the South Island coastline, the most epic adventure of our lives, was now over, we were now back at the spot of land we started. Still now I can close my eyes and feel the incredible surges of the many emotions running through my body at that moment ... my body wanted to cry and laugh at the same time.

We pulled our boats up and staggered out of them, bent over like a couple of 90year olds, we tried to walk and took a few painful steps up the slipway away from our kayaks. The tendons in our legs had seized up from spending 10 hours sat tight in a kayak every day, trying to straighten our legs to walk was very painful. I looked over at James, our eyes met. The look of the eyes and the smile we gave each other at that moment said a million things at once ... only the two of us could ever understand, we had been through so much together. We limped towards each other grinning and fell into a big hug. As we hugged the memories of what we had just been through flashed through my brain...

I remembered sitting in the middle of ffiordland, alone, watching a magical sunset, drinking a hot chocolate after an epic 70km day.

I remembered how we sat together crying on a remote beech unable to launch, with only a few handfuls of rice and porridge left to keep us alive.

I remembered the huge smiles on our faces as we surfed waves side by side in perfect conditions rounding the crux of the trip, puyseger point.

I remembered losing each other whilst been blown out to sea in a horrendous storm, survival paddling with every muscle of our body unable to open our eyes and see through the sea spray.

I remembered sleeping outside on a remote beach in Abel Tasman watching a shooting star cross the sky ...

I remembered the dryness of my mouth as we sat out at sea with a line of 12 foot surf to contend with between us and our campspot....

I remembered the moment we were stood on land looking back out and laughing at the booming huge surf we had successfully landed through ...

I remembered the freak gigantic wave that appeared from nowhere and the 30 longest minutes of my life that I thought James was dead ....

I remembered the relief and happiness when I found James alive ....

I remembered surfing the waves rounding the farewell spit tip, having finally conquered the mighty west coast and turning our boats to point eastward ...

And ... I remembered how different it felt like to stand on this slipway 80 days ago.... unsure if I would every return.

We stood around in a bit of a daze, we didn't really know what to do. I kind of felt detached from reality, almost drunk.

For the last 80 days, the moment we landed, we would carry the boats up together, then get the tent up immediately together. Next, James would prepare dinner whilst I would make a fire. Then I would do the washing up whilst James went on a drinking water search...

But now we didn't have to do any of this ... and it felt very odd. There were surfers in the sea and people all around. We weren't used to civilization either so much. We felt very much out of place ....

The next few days were harder than most of the days on the expedition for me. We stayed in a tent outside the Christchurh backpackers, which was swarmed and overpacked with people. We were used to living on remote beaches seeing nobody, and now we had 50 other people cramped in one patch of land only a foot between each tent. Many people saw our kayaks and asked what we were doing here ... we didn't even want to try and explain about our expedition, as we knew nobody could really understand, so to the majority of people we just replied 'ah we've just been travelling around the country doing a little bit of kayaking here and there'. This immediate change of life was hard.

I recall meeting Paul Caffyn at his house halfway around our South Island Circumnavigation. I asked him about what he finds hardest in expedition kayaking, and he told me finishing is the hardest, without a

doubt. He tried to give us some advice on how to mentally prepare for the 'come down' of finishing, like it was some kind of drug addiction we were on. I listened politely nodding to his words, but I did not really believe him. All we wanted to do was finish. It would be incredible to finish this massive adventure, right!? That was the whole point, to succeed and complete the adventure!??!

We were halfway around, our motivations were soaring, we just couldn't wait to complete our adventure, and have 'done it!' I was sick of eating bland porridge for breakfast, I was dreaming daily of how good the massive pizza would taste at the end, how good the infinite beers would be, and now fantastic it would feel to not have to wake up at 6am in the morning and put on the wet salty clothes. Every day we marked our position on the map, getting excited at our progress and how we were closer to the goal.

But actually Paul was right.

Finishing was the hardest part by far.

The moment we finished, all we wanted to be was back on the sea, living in our poxy tent, eating bland porridge for breakfast ...

In reflection, for over a year this expedition had been the focus of our daily lives, the planning, the training, and of course the adventure itself. Every day we had incredible focus, drive and daily goals. The moment we landed, that focus and drive was instantly gone. We had finished. We didn't have to wake up the next morning. South Island was done ...... it was now in the past, just a memory.

Yes, we were happy .... the pizza was incredible, we drank a lot of well earnt beer, and it was very nice not to wake up early and put on our wet clothes. But we quicly realized it was living the adventure not finishing the adventure that made us truly happy ...

We had finished.

We packed our stuff back into the kayaks and flew back to the UK.

We arrived back in cold, wet England and our adventure already seemed like a distant memory.

Back home we were inevitably asked by everyone 'so how was New Zealand!?'. We found ourselves simply replying: 'it was great thanks' and then quickly changing the converstation to 'so how was your winter, tell me about what you did?'

We found it hard to talk about it, nobody really understood what we had been through. Very few of our friends could really relate to what our expedition really encompassed. How could we sum up what we actually went through by answering someones off the cuff question of 'how was it?' , we just couldn't.

Rather than the elated feelings we thought we would have felt on returning, we both found ourselves in quite a sad state of mind.

The trip had been an incredible focus of our lives for over a year, we had worked so hard to save every penny, sold everything we owned to make this trip happen and put hours into research and training preperations.

Now we had returned to the UK .... houseless, jobless and deep in the bottom of our overdrafts.

Hey, woohoo welcome to the world of post-expedition-depression!!!!!! its rea!!!

Suprisingly the wise man Paul Caffyn, with 30years long-term expeditioning under his belt ... was right! The finish was the hardest.

I remember a moment of the trip, we were lying side by side in our tent with sideways wind and rain battering us, flattening the tent, we were having to keep our feet pressed against the poles to keep it upright. It was a forced rest day, and we barely left the tent for 24 hours. We kept ourselves amused in each others companies, starting to go a little crazy. I recall us both laughing hysterically for about 5 minutes at something that wasn't even funny. After we were able to breathe again, James said to me 'oh dear, how are we ever going to re-intergrate into the normal world again!? we're going crazy!!!' We laughed it off, but actually there was a point, our life was now very different to the 'normal' life we would return to.

We had been living in a world, that was so different to the busy working world here in the UK. We had spent every day just the two of us, living in our little tent on beaches in the middle of nowhere, with the simple focus to wake up and paddle as far as we could. We had one pair of shorts, cooked on fires, washed in the rivers, our life was carefree, simple and adventurous.

Almost as soon as we arrived back in the UK, I started a year long position up in Scotland, and James ended up getting a job down in Wales. We parted ways, making it even more difficult to deal with the life change. This was a hard time. Everytime I looked at a picture of the trip, or listened to a song that reminded me it, I felt sad and missed it, rather than the happiness of achieving it I thought I would have felt. I guess I kindof felt lonely in a crowded room, very few people could grasp what I had just come from doing. I guess the trip from New Zealand got filed away in the back of my mind, as a way of dealing with the 'expedition withdrawal symptoms', only occasionally feeling the need to tell a story or two to the odd person.

Anyway, the year flew by. Me and James had become busy, completely wound up in our own busy working lives, only seeing each other once in a while. As we first came back from New Zealand we had excitedly talked about where our next expedition would take us to and had made many may plans for where we wanted to go. But as life went on over the year, we had started to forget about this.... We had both changed ... our New Zealand expedition now seemed so long ago and distant. We now had totally different lives, different life wants and goals and we had drifted apart big time. We reached a breaking point as a couple, the differences in our life situations and current wants had got too much.

Anyway I will spare all the details of everything, but after some time and space to reflect we became back together as a couple. We reminisced about our expedition. We hadn't spoken about it for so long, it had been put to the back of our minds. We quickly remembered the incredible moments and importantly we realized every day on this expedition we were truley happy, really living our dream.

We realized all we want to do is now go on another adventure together..... so why not?

So now we start the long expedition process again.... the planning has already commenced for New Zealand's North Island.

We were avidly planning, training and saving for our next adventure of a lifetime ... our focus, drive and motivation has commenced once more!

We have no money, I don't know yet how we will make this trip successfully happen.... but one thing we are sure of is somehow we will find a way, we always do!! Nothing is impossible!

Yes we will return to the UK next year full of debt and post-expedition blues, but hey we'll deal with that when it comes!

Paul Caffyn, the wise old man was right, long expeditions are actually similar in nature to a drug addiction ... but a much more satifying healthier addiction!!!!

Once you start, I think it's hard to stop ...